Goldeneye - best FPS ever (canned laughter)

Recently, I've come across some articles gushing over the re-release of Goldeneye64 on the Wii... calling it the "Best First Person Shooter Ever!"

Best orly Evar.

Before I run into a long spiel about what I think about this claim, let me say this. Goldeneye for the N64 was a good shooter, definitely the best you could get for the N64 from my experience and worth a look if you like FPS games and have access to a N64.

But "BEST EVAR SHOOTER!!!11!1!eleven"? I wish I had been drinking something when I first saw this, I would have definitely done a spit-take before roaring with laughter, which I did anyway before saying "that is good joke!" in a poor Heavy Weapons Guy style accent.

The controls are horrible, it's on a console... Need I say more?
The pace of the game is slooooooow... compare it to quake and you'll see what I mean.
The graphics were "ok", mostly flat colours with minimal textures.
Enemies were just soldiers most of the time "yawn"
Single player was repeditive, see above
Multiplayer was repeditive, see above as well as local only

Awesome graphics! *cough*

I've played this game, unusual for me due to my anti-console stance but a cousin of mine had it way back in the 90's once when I visited; so I gave it a shot. My immediate reaction was "man, I'm glad this game is slower than a roadkill turtle, because these controls are making me act like I'm as slow as a roadkill turtle!". And what was really funny is when I played split-screen multiplayer with my cuz... I ripped him a new one so hard, he refused to play against me after about a half-hour claiming that I "cheated". :)

You know why people think this is the best shooter ever? It's what I call fanboi syndrome, it's the late 90's, you haven't seen any good shooters because you're a Nintendo fanboi, you play goldeneye and then you declare it the "BEST EVAR SHOOTER!!!11!1!eleven", satisfied that your declaration is truth, you tell your friends and the interwebs. But once it's on the interwebs, bastards like myself call you out on your narrow view of the genre and casually point to a dozen or so better games than your "BEST EVAR SHOOTER!!!11!1!eleven" with an arrogant smile on their face... kinda like I do now.

Half Life: Better graphics, better game.

Thank you, btw, I haven't laughed this hard since someone told me that WoW takes skill about 8 months back.

You want a shooter that's better? Try Quake, Half life, Unreal Tournament or Duke3D. These are all better games from the same period and each one is better on almost every score and Half Life is definately better in every way. Some would say the story of Goldeneye is better than Half Lifes strange Sci-Fi mixed with myth... I'd respond by saying that Valve actually worked for their story, and managed to make gameplay that fit with it instead of making a movie tie in game that changed 007 from a super spy into a mass murdering stock standard FPS protagonist. Heck, you want a shooter where you're more like a spy? Try Thief and Thief 2 or Deus Ex!

Goldeneye for the N64 is not the best FPS ever, it's not even the best of it's time, it's not even all that special. It's popularity is powered by the mystical energy of fanboiz, nothing more. When the remake comes out I predict that the fanboiz will split into two groups, the one that feels the new Goldeneye sucks ass, and one where the new one is sooo good they want to give it a tounge bath.... and the rest of us will say "it looks mediocre" and move on.

Fanboiz - 'nuff said.

I find it hilarious that Nintendo aren't even hiding their incapacity to come up with new ideas, I thought this Wii version of golden was just going to be a cheap port, but it's a full priced "new" game... but with the same levels, story, etc; but that's a rant for another time.

Goldeneye, for the Wii or the N64, is not the best of anything... Give it up fanboiz.

Metro 2033 - Most unoriginal First Person shooter ever or just trying too hard?

Metro2033 is a fairly lacklustre FPS that rips its story verbatim from a book of the same name. The story is the best part of Metro2033, and even that is kinda boring stock standard Post Apocalyptic dire future schlock ala' Fallout 3.

And we all know what I think of Fallout 3.

The environments are repetitive, mostly train tunnels or above ground bombed out ruins. Some of the enemies are interesting, such as these little electro-dudes that kill anything that moves. But most are just amorphous monsters that want to eat you or random humans. One of the better parts of the game is a section where you have to get past a group of Fascists fighting a group of Communists and neither like you. But it all goes downhill from there...

Especially when you meet the librarians; I hate these fucking things. The game throws you a string of forced stealth sections with these librarians, invincible ugly Ape like mofos that seem to be able to spot you no matter what anyway... When this happened, I went from "Metro 2033 is OK" to "RARGH!!! HAT YOU METRO2033!!! HAT YOU 4A GAMES!!!!". Heck, I didn't bother stealthing, it didn't work! I just ran through and died repeatedly until I got through... And I love stealth games done right... like Thief 2. Man that game rocked, I'd play that over Metro 2033 anyday.

Ultimately, what sets this game apart from any random FPS?

...it's Russian? No wait, there's STALKER.

...it's got train tunnels? ROFL! Like every FPS made in the last 10 years!

...it uses bullets as currency? Who cares, it's annoying anyway.

It's sad, because a game with it's setting all done on a silver platter should be able to present the setting well, and encourage us to pick up the book it's based on. Maybe what they should have done, was not make us the protagonist of the book, but a supporting character doing our own thing but in the same setting. That might have been better... give us a game where we can just explore and do quests and kill stuff (like fallout 3 except hopefully better) instead of dragged along like a puppy through more and more kilometers of boring arse train tunnels! What makes an enjoyable story in a book and an engaging story in a game are two different things!

Metro 2033 is still full priced ($79.99 USD) at time of writing... and it's not even a budget title.

Stay away from this boring PoS!

ps the russian sounding voice actors were kinda cool.... not 80 bucks cool, but they're something.